Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Dark Place

I am in a dark place today. The blowing snow outside my window together with a difficult day with my kids moods is not helping. But the real reason for my dark place? No more denial, I am hurt. Which is a crushing blow. I've been here before, but I cannot handle it again. I cannot handle once again not being able to RACE in Seattle at the end of June.

When I started having twinges in my shin, I eased up. When the twinges turned to pain, I stopped running and hit the eliptical. Yesterday I was doing my thing on the eliptical, on the easiest resistance. I was almost to mile four, and I felt a twinge. I slowed down, eased the hill level down. Just past mile four pain shot through my shin. No no no no, this isn't happening. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I really wanted to throw something. (mature, huh?)

I stopped. I got off the machine, and wiped it down. My leg hurt. Not good at all. I texted my husband for a ride, (he had dropped me off). I went upstairs, and did some upper body, just to feel like I had gotten something from my workout.

I came home defeated. And cried. I don't cry often, and my husband has no idea what to do or say when I do, since it doesn't happen often. I had a pity party on the couch with an ice pack, while my family went to church. (the only bonus-fantastic payoff basketball last night)

I am in a dark place today. I want to eat every piece of candy in the house. I am terrified to eat anything, knowing I can't burn the calories. This is obviously not a healthy place to be, but how do you get out of a dark place?

I made an appointment with a sports doctor for next thursday. I am terrified, but wish it was sooner just for the answers I hope to get.


  1. Oh no. No, no, no. I am so sorry. Could it just be a muscle? Maybe the doc will have better news than what you are expecting. Ugh. I feel like crying for you. I so know this feeling. :( Hugs and sending good thoughts for better-than-expected news for Thursday. E-mail me if you need to talk about it.

  2. I have SO been there. For someone who loves to run or when you are specifically training for something, getting sidelined by an injury is so much more than just the physical pain. Its mental and emotional misery as well. I don't think this is something that many non-runners get. I, too, have cried when my head wants so badly for my body to feel good and do what I want it to do, but my body just isn't having it.

    I hope your doctor's appointment goes well!

    PS - I'm new to your blog. :)